two weeks post surgery

said a sad little goodbye to my first ever abode. (the apartment over the garage) this family was such a blessing to me. they helped make the transition into "the real world" less scary! I am so grateful for the time spent here, the memories made, and the lessons learned. but cheers to new seasons, with new people, and a new house. I'm looking forward to the memories to be made as well as the lessons to be learned. life is good y'all, jesus is also good. he knows where I need to be and when I need to be there. 

#noreallycancerSUCKS

around august of 2014 one of my most favorite people was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of stage 4 lung cancer. my aunt pam. 

since then she has undergone many chemo treatments. she’s had many good days, full of joy and clarity, even days where she goes to work and acts like all is good and right in the world. (she’s so brave and strong) she’s also had many bad days, full of questions, tears, and her clinging to the hope of jesus. my uncle and cousins have been such amazing cheerleaders in this fight. they walk with her and love her even when she’s at her weakest. my dad is standing strong, reminding me, my aunt, and the rest of my family that there is NO POINT in sulking in this, we need to cherish each day that all of us have. my grandparents are so beautifully holding on the fact that god is good through ALL circumstances. a little back history here: my dad is a middle child. aunt pam is his little sister. michael was his older brother. when my dad was around 18-19 years old, his brother was killed in a car accident. as you can imagine, my grandparents and my dad are really taking this hard, despite their incredible strength. another child/sibling staring death right in the face. i can’t image what they are going through, just being honest and flushing out my thoughts here. 

in my 19, almost 20 years of life, i’ve never had to deal with someone so incredibly close to me look at death and fight it. never in my life have i ever been so tested in my faith in john 16:33 “these things I have spoken to you, so that in me you may have peace. in the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” not only remembering, but actively believing that even through this season of doubt and fear and anger, god is still good and that he has overcome everything. i’m not perfect, my flesh wants to be so furious that god will let this happen, but the holy spirit whispers to me, “i love you, i love your aunt, i’ve already overcome. don’t you worry child, i have a perfect, and holy plan.” then i feel like jesus kisses me on the forehead the way my dad does to comfort me, just to completely assure me that my abba father has me. 

friends, family, random internet strangers, please pray for my aunt. i believe that god can completely heal her from all cancer if it’s in his will. but if it’s not, her children and husband are going to be completely heartbroken (as are the rest of the family, but I mean, that’s her ride or dies). pray for understanding and a peace for them, especially her children, they don’t quite understand everything that’s going on. 

updates to come, in the meanwhile, lots of prayer and hashtags. 

#noreallycancerSUCKS

I AM A CHILD OF GOD

truth be told by tossing copper

“there’s nothing good within me

if i’m honest

and if i’m honest, there are times

i will try

to dress up all my darkness

and make it seem like it was light

all along

but it’s a lie

if truth be told, i’m nothing

on my own

the only thing i know for sure

is that i don’t know a thing

to be sure

if you only knew 

what i’ve been prone to do 

you’d run far and fast away

from me, oh God,

hear my plea

cause all i see 

is this darkness that is buried

within me"

wasn’t that super uplifting? (i know you’re probably thinking, “yeah right madi, that sucked and was super depressing!”)

i don’t think i’d classify it as uplifting necessarily, but i’d go with freeing.

so often we try and act like we aren’t made up of darkness, we keep it hidden by this veil that we use to mask our sinful nature to the rest of the humans who also have a sinful nature that they are masking with the same veil. now, i understand the compulsive need to have an outward apperence of, “it’s all good. i’m all good. nothing to see here folks. there’s no veil here. i’m not struggling.” i get that. i fall into that trap daily. i don’t really care to have all my junk in plain view for anyone and everyone to see. BUT jesus, calls us to release the grip on the veil. despite our scars, addictions, lack of faith, or our raging anger during 5 o’clock traffic. no matter how far you’re falling, his love will catch you. he wants you despite of everything behind your veil. i’m constantly astounded by the power and intimacy of his mercy. 

drop your veil. air out your struggles. chances are the people that surround you are dying to drop their veil too. we are sons and daughters of christ. we are a family. we are called to love each other like christ. put your fears to rest, you are a child of God, you are no longer a slave to fear. you are fighting from victory, not for it. you’ve already won through christ. you are known and held by our father. how dang freeing is that. 

throw away that veil. shred it. bury it. live in the light my friend. there’s not a more beautiful place to be. 

i love you and believe in you.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED SINCE MOVING OUT PT. 2

choosing your living situation is important.  

tithing is vital. 

alone time is okay, carve it out each week. 

buy fresh flowers. 

don’t buy more food than you need for the week. 

it’s okay to ask for help. 

life is hard, and by that i mean nothing goes as planned.

find a job that you enjoy, if you don’t it will destroy your spirit.

go ahead, splurge on that candle. 

if you think a spontaneous trip to the tattoo parlor will make you feel better, do it. 

if you get behind on laundry, your life is pretty much over. 

forgive. over and over and over and over. 

stay out late, you WILL regret the nights you don’t. 

don’t stay out so late that you’re useless for work the next morning though. 

invest with your friends, one on one. 

cook often. 

work is important, but it’s not the most important. 

i can’t stress the budget enough, you’ll likely dig yourself in a financial pit without one. 

if you want that third tattoo, GO. FOR. IT. 

enjoy every moment that is put in front of you. 

read books. if you like dragons, read about that. if you like kinfolk, read until your heart’s content. just read. 

going back to school little by little is a victory, not a sign of weakness.

COLORADO AND HALLOWEEN

y'all, so much life change has been happening as of recent. i just haven't gotten around to being able to actually post something. most of what i've been writing lately are just thoughts that have been started, i can't quite finish anything. i usually open my journal or evernote (depending on fast my thoughts are going), then just sit and think, "madi, you've got to write something. anything. surely you can do that. just start typing. people are depending on you to write." then i come back to reality and realize that, a) you can't just force a thought to happen, and it's okay that sometimes your thoughts go to fast for your hands to write down and then the moment passes. and b) no one, i repeat, no one is relying on me to write a blog. i'm not even certain if anyone reads these. (if you're reading this, you're a doll.)

anywho, this past month or so has been challenging, trying, exhausting, and so rewarding. i'm learning how to love people through Jesus and not through myself. i'm learning what it means to live like the early church. i'm learning how to open my heart and love like jesus, towards everyone. not just christians. but those lost, broke, hurting, sinners (just an fyi, we are all sinners, but most of the time us bound by religion forget that), the homeless, the ones just barely making it, the rich, the single, the married, the orphans, the widows, the strippers, the business men. EVERYONE MEANS EVERYONE. i'm the first to admit that i am so bad about doing that, but lucky for us, God has not called us to be perfect, but to continuously draw near to him. so that's what i'm going to continue to do, even though i suck at it. hallelujah that even in my suckiness (yep, that's a word) God still pours out unconditional love and undeserved grace on me. what a good, good Father.

here's a recap of this past month, october 2014, you'll always be remembered. i went on my first trip to colorado (i'll be moving there in the summer of 2015 and i couldn't be more excited). this halloween was one for the books, i had the privilege of spending it with my closest friends all dressed up and scared out of my mind at a haunted house.

INK'D AGAIN

"then peter came up and said to him, "lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and i forgive him? as many as seven times?" jesus said to him, "i do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven times." matthew 18:21-22

ink'd yet again. 

roughly 10.751 seconds after i got my first tattoo, i had the urge to get more. so, there i was, on a saturday, some two and half weeks ago, with the urge still strong, and an adventurous spirit, sitting at the tattoo parlor yet again. i had been at the market that morning with some friends when i brought up the idea of getting inked that day (i'm that friend). surprisingly they all played around with the idea while we walked around the square, sipped our coffee, and tried not to adopt a puppy (well, the puppy part was just me, it's a real struggle guys). about our second lap around the market, i stopped and just had to make sure they really knew i was completely down to go get a new tattoo. one of my friends, was on board, the others were there to support us and cheer us on. we both went, got cash out, and walked into that tattoo parlor (knight time in fayetteville) absolutely stoked and prepared to get poked. we wanted to get 'seventy times seven' on us, in different ways of course, mine in roman numerals, and her's in my handwriting. since we went to the same place as i went last time, i has already started to build a relationship with buzz, the coolest tattooist around. pause, buzz (justin), is twenty five, completely covered in tattoos (even some on his head and face, eyelids too!), he's been shot a couple times, stabbed, in jail, he's tattooed a horse to help save it's life, he doesn't like the traditional church and how they don't appear to use all their money to help others, he's open to the idea of jesus and who he is. the previous tattoo i got to talk with him about   the church i'm going to plant in colorado, how it's about people. we're all flawed, but jesus came to give us hope and cover us in grace. okay, time in. so we walk in, he remembers me as "that girl who's churching it up in colorado", i introduce my friend and tell her she's helping plant the church too. we small talk a bit, learn more about him. talked to the guy in the front too, (he's been backpacking in europe but got kicked out because his visa expired.) i decided not to mention anything about "church" unless buzz asked. we keep chatting, laughing, investing. my tattoo is complete (praise, because this one hurt), i get up to leave and i say that i will more than likely be back soon, and buzz's response was, "hey, please do. don't forget to come back before you move to colorado, i really do want some information about the church you're planting". i responded with a big smile and an "of course buzz!" then walked out grinning from ear to ear. 

this is ministry. i'm not saying the whole tattoo thing is, but ministry is all about building relationships with people. all kinds of people. we can't expect lost and hurting folks to just waltz into church, we have to meet them where they are. i just happened to want a tattoo, and it was a perfect opportunity for me to talk about jesus soley based on what i was getting inked (hallelujah and LXX•VII). constantly have your eyes open to how you can be on mission to share what jesus has done in your life, and how freakin' good he is. let your actions and your words express your faith. 

as for the tattoo itself, it's something god is for real teaching me right now. i thought i knew what it meant to forgive. i was wrong. i remember asking god a few months ago to show me there areas i was lacking and to reteach me those things i had fallen comfortable with. folks, if you ask, you shall receive. it was difficult. i wasn't actually expecting him to show me all those flaws and habitual actions. geez, that was a little much. yet i'm incredibly thankful he did. i've never been stretched so much in my life. i've never been given more opportunities to forgive. to cover someone in love and grace, not based off my own strength, but the strength i draw from god. it's been an extremely trying season of life, but the most rewarding one by far. i'm thankful for that.  

CANCER SUCKS

my aunt: pam, my uncle: tom, my cousins: matthew & megan

my aunt was recently (roughly a month ago) diagnosed with a very rare form of lung cancer. 

a little back history here, my aunt is one of my most favorite people. she has always been there for me. for most of my life she has lived relatively close to me. she was really my only aunt growing up. (my other one wasn’t around, but that’s another post for another day) she would pick me up from the bus stop and take me to breakfast randomly, she would give me such good advice, and she kept secrets (the kinds that aunts can keep, silly little ones). i love my aunt, so much. also, my aunt is one of three children. robert (my dad) is the middle child, my aunt is the youngest, and then michael, he was the oldest. michael passed away (car accident) when my dad was graduation high school. all that to say, my aunt being diagnosed with this aggressive cancer is just like a scab being ripped off for my dad and my grandparents. 

fast forward to now, yesterday my aunt and uncle got in their car and drove all the way from ft. worth, texas to houston, texas. they had an appointment at md anderson. after a long day there, that night they got a call. the cancer has spread to both lungs, her esophagus, and several lymph nodes. she is staying for 8 weeks to do aggressive chemo and radiation. 

my aunt has twin 10 year olds. they don’t know what’s going on yet. but they will really soon. their world is about to be rocked. hard. please pray that they have such a deep level of peace through this all. and that they know their mommy will be healed from this. either here on earth or if god takes her to heaven early. but she will be healed of this. pray for her husband too. I can’t imagine how hard this is for him to watch his beloved wife be so sick and there being nothing he can do. please pray for peace and understanding for him. 

my thought’s are really jumbled. i’m not sure of how to end this or if it made sense, all i can say is, 

cancer sucks y’all.