COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS

when life gets hard, as humans we naturally focus on the sufferings in front of us. i am so guilty of this. but, i want to defy the norms in life. currently, life is challenging. what better way to overcome than to count your blessings? (pst, it’s really hard to have a sour attitude when your naming the good, life-giving things in life.)

— i am alive. 

— i live in the mountains.

— i don’t have texas heat scortching my skin (hallelujah, praise the lamb)

— i am surrounded by genuine people

— i am a part of a really cool adventure

— i have the ability to draw, write, and think

— i have a place to live + a means of transportation

— i have a family who loves me and believes in me

— i have friends friends supporting me from states, even countries, away.

count your blessings, friend. life is too short not to. find the good in the bad. i promise it's there.  

#noreallycancerSUCKS

around august of 2014 one of my most favorite people was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of stage 4 lung cancer. my aunt pam. 

since then she has undergone many chemo treatments. she’s had many good days, full of joy and clarity, even days where she goes to work and acts like all is good and right in the world. (she’s so brave and strong) she’s also had many bad days, full of questions, tears, and her clinging to the hope of jesus. my uncle and cousins have been such amazing cheerleaders in this fight. they walk with her and love her even when she’s at her weakest. my dad is standing strong, reminding me, my aunt, and the rest of my family that there is NO POINT in sulking in this, we need to cherish each day that all of us have. my grandparents are so beautifully holding on the fact that god is good through ALL circumstances. a little back history here: my dad is a middle child. aunt pam is his little sister. michael was his older brother. when my dad was around 18-19 years old, his brother was killed in a car accident. as you can imagine, my grandparents and my dad are really taking this hard, despite their incredible strength. another child/sibling staring death right in the face. i can’t image what they are going through, just being honest and flushing out my thoughts here. 

in my 19, almost 20 years of life, i’ve never had to deal with someone so incredibly close to me look at death and fight it. never in my life have i ever been so tested in my faith in john 16:33 “these things I have spoken to you, so that in me you may have peace. in the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” not only remembering, but actively believing that even through this season of doubt and fear and anger, god is still good and that he has overcome everything. i’m not perfect, my flesh wants to be so furious that god will let this happen, but the holy spirit whispers to me, “i love you, i love your aunt, i’ve already overcome. don’t you worry child, i have a perfect, and holy plan.” then i feel like jesus kisses me on the forehead the way my dad does to comfort me, just to completely assure me that my abba father has me. 

friends, family, random internet strangers, please pray for my aunt. i believe that god can completely heal her from all cancer if it’s in his will. but if it’s not, her children and husband are going to be completely heartbroken (as are the rest of the family, but I mean, that’s her ride or dies). pray for understanding and a peace for them, especially her children, they don’t quite understand everything that’s going on. 

updates to come, in the meanwhile, lots of prayer and hashtags. 

#noreallycancerSUCKS

I AM A CHILD OF GOD

truth be told by tossing copper

“there’s nothing good within me

if i’m honest

and if i’m honest, there are times

i will try

to dress up all my darkness

and make it seem like it was light

all along

but it’s a lie

if truth be told, i’m nothing

on my own

the only thing i know for sure

is that i don’t know a thing

to be sure

if you only knew 

what i’ve been prone to do 

you’d run far and fast away

from me, oh God,

hear my plea

cause all i see 

is this darkness that is buried

within me"

wasn’t that super uplifting? (i know you’re probably thinking, “yeah right madi, that sucked and was super depressing!”)

i don’t think i’d classify it as uplifting necessarily, but i’d go with freeing.

so often we try and act like we aren’t made up of darkness, we keep it hidden by this veil that we use to mask our sinful nature to the rest of the humans who also have a sinful nature that they are masking with the same veil. now, i understand the compulsive need to have an outward apperence of, “it’s all good. i’m all good. nothing to see here folks. there’s no veil here. i’m not struggling.” i get that. i fall into that trap daily. i don’t really care to have all my junk in plain view for anyone and everyone to see. BUT jesus, calls us to release the grip on the veil. despite our scars, addictions, lack of faith, or our raging anger during 5 o’clock traffic. no matter how far you’re falling, his love will catch you. he wants you despite of everything behind your veil. i’m constantly astounded by the power and intimacy of his mercy. 

drop your veil. air out your struggles. chances are the people that surround you are dying to drop their veil too. we are sons and daughters of christ. we are a family. we are called to love each other like christ. put your fears to rest, you are a child of God, you are no longer a slave to fear. you are fighting from victory, not for it. you’ve already won through christ. you are known and held by our father. how dang freeing is that. 

throw away that veil. shred it. bury it. live in the light my friend. there’s not a more beautiful place to be. 

i love you and believe in you.

CANCER SUCKS

my aunt: pam, my uncle: tom, my cousins: matthew & megan

my aunt was recently (roughly a month ago) diagnosed with a very rare form of lung cancer. 

a little back history here, my aunt is one of my most favorite people. she has always been there for me. for most of my life she has lived relatively close to me. she was really my only aunt growing up. (my other one wasn’t around, but that’s another post for another day) she would pick me up from the bus stop and take me to breakfast randomly, she would give me such good advice, and she kept secrets (the kinds that aunts can keep, silly little ones). i love my aunt, so much. also, my aunt is one of three children. robert (my dad) is the middle child, my aunt is the youngest, and then michael, he was the oldest. michael passed away (car accident) when my dad was graduation high school. all that to say, my aunt being diagnosed with this aggressive cancer is just like a scab being ripped off for my dad and my grandparents. 

fast forward to now, yesterday my aunt and uncle got in their car and drove all the way from ft. worth, texas to houston, texas. they had an appointment at md anderson. after a long day there, that night they got a call. the cancer has spread to both lungs, her esophagus, and several lymph nodes. she is staying for 8 weeks to do aggressive chemo and radiation. 

my aunt has twin 10 year olds. they don’t know what’s going on yet. but they will really soon. their world is about to be rocked. hard. please pray that they have such a deep level of peace through this all. and that they know their mommy will be healed from this. either here on earth or if god takes her to heaven early. but she will be healed of this. pray for her husband too. I can’t imagine how hard this is for him to watch his beloved wife be so sick and there being nothing he can do. please pray for peace and understanding for him. 

my thought’s are really jumbled. i’m not sure of how to end this or if it made sense, all i can say is, 

cancer sucks y’all.  

AGAPE

“above all keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 peter 4:8

the word earnestly in this verse can be interchanged with ‘intently’ or ‘fervently’, which means eagerly and passionately. we are suppose to love others in this very way. 

a clean slate. 

we all could use a clean slate, a do over, all of our spots washed away. good news, jesus did that for us, on the cross. he died for us to be made clean, a new creation. that is the best news i’ve ever believed to be true, i want everyone to know what jesus has done for us. part of me wanting every single person to know this good news, is to live a live full of actions that are christ centered, and pleasing to him. which is hard. i’m learning. i’m not the best, but i’m learning. i know that god has called us to love others just as he loves us. unconditionally, undeservedly, and never ending. 

this kind of love is based on actions, not words. agape love is selfless love. what i’ve come to learn lately is that you have to pour out grace on people and forgive in order to truly love selflessly. not everyone will accept it, that’s not the point. we must learn to humble ourselves, set our pride aside, and wipe the slate clean with people that we have ill feelings towards. that means, forgive them whole heartedly, for everything they have ever done to wrong you. forgive them for the past, and forgive them as you move forward in the future. wiping the slate clean means that you no longer bring up that thing they did 2 months ago to make you mad, or that one time they left you out last summer, the slate is clean. pure. white. 

to walk in christ’s foot steps, in my humble opinion, is to love people the way he loves us. this means, share the good news with them, love them through the muck of life, forgive them and continuously wipe the slate clean, and encourage them, build them up. 

it’s definitely the hardest lesson that i’m still continuing to learn. 

LIFE IS HARD

“...it’s not just a walk in the park.” that statement couldn’t be more true in my season of life right now. 

i don’t want to paint a picture like i have my life under control or that i have it all figured out. that couldn’t be further from the truth. life is hard right now. i’m learning how to live on my own, i’m missing my family, i’m having serious friendship issues, my thoughts aren’t my most favorite place to be, and i’m hardcore stressing about my future. which are all things that i can’t control, thus it is intensely stretching + testing my faith. the plan that i thought was set in place by god, has changed and it’s taking some time for me  to come to terms with that and processing the changes that are about to happen. 

living almost 300 miles away from my parents is becoming increasingly difficult. i’m an extremely independent person, so when i was living at home, i never really thought i needed hugs or cuddles from my family (also i was not the most touchy person, but that has definitely changed). now that i don’t have the opportunity to crawl into my mom’s lap and just cry or fall into my dad’s embrace, i miss it more than i can articulate. the transition to living on your own is hard. the transition to living on your own in a different state is even harder. i know that i’m not in arkansas by accident, i know that this is apart of the calling god has placed on my life. knowing that makes it a little easier to be away from my family because i trust that this hardship isn’t for nothing. 

my best, closest, realest friend is moving across the states to go to a university. to pursue an education in writing and worship ministry. i couldn’t be more proud of her and her obedience to god. she is going into the unknown, but she isn’t letting fear keep her from walking in his will. yet, i’m so incredibly sad that my best chum is not going to be around physically. that’s weighing heavy on my heart. she’s my comfort zone, my security blanket. 

i’ve always struggled with self esteem issues. i’m my harshest critic. there is nothing that you can say to me, that i probably haven’t said to myself. i go through seasons where its a more predominate issue in my life, this is one of those times. usually when it seems like all other things in my life are going astray, my ‘self issues’ rise and intensify. which pretty much sucks on all levels because that’s the last thing i need during that time. i can honestly say i’m working on loving my self exactly the way christ loves me. i fill my mind with scripture reminding me that i’m his beloved daughter and i was divinely made. self esteem, depression, and anxiety will always be something i struggle with and the temptations that come along with it. but god, is restoring my image of myself daily. i will rely on him for support and guidance and comfort. that’s all i can do. 

i’m moving in less than a year to colorado. that’s scary. it feels like i just got settled in from the move to arkansas. i’m scared of the unknown. regarding where i’ll live, my role in the church plant, meeting people, if i’ll be good enough. but my excitement and passion about winning hearts to christ is outweighing that fear. i know without a doubt that god has me in his hand and he is calling me to colorado for a reason.i am not good enough, but through christ’s blood and his righteousness that cover me, he says through me you are good enough and i’ve chosen you to do this. it leaves me in awe when i think about it. i am placing my faith in that plan and that calling. 

i haven’t quite grasped how i’m actually making it through because i know my flesh would rather just throw in the towel. but god keeps picking me up and reassuring me, “child, i have you.” and that’s the promise that is keeping me going. i’m learning how to place all of my faith in jesus and his promise in romans 8:37-39, “no in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. for i am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of god in christ jesus.” and romans 8:26-28, “likewise the spirit helps us in our weakness, for we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the spirit himself intercedes for us and with groanings too deep for words. and he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the spirit, because the spirit interceded for the saints according the will of god. and we know that for those who love god all things work together for good, for those are called according to his purpose.” 

i wanted to share all this with you not so you’ll have pity on me, or feel sorry for me, but to show you that it’s okay to be honest and admit when life is hard. you don’t need to hide behind the image of perfection you’ve made on social media or in person. we all struggle. we all sin. we all go through hard seasons where you feel absolutely exhausted. i’m there now. i don’t want to hide that, i want to admit that and have people encourage me and stand with me in prayer. that’s what you need. people to point you to the word, pray for your heart, pray for anything, to listen to you, to check on you, to just be with you. that’s what being a family in christ means.  

THE 'L' WORD

source: 31.media.tumblr.com

growing up society has taught us that love is something based out of emotion and actions. often love is based out of lust for a person or strong emotional connections formed from a moment. we are told that when we love someone it comes naturally and that it’s fate. the world says that loving someone is enough and that it’s what binds you to a person. 

i just can’t buy into that definition of love because i see the perfect demonstration of true love everyday by Christ. the world says love first then your actions will follow and you’ll choose that person. God says, I chose you therefore I love you and I will continue to love you. He displays a love that is unconditional, full of grace, full of truth, full of protection. i think that kind of love is hard. but it’s the love that is deeper than lust, it’s deeper than a moment. it’s the kind of love that says I will choose you every day of my life, and since i choose you, i will love you with grace, unconditional love, truth, and protection. i will do my humanly best to walk with you in life even when you’re not lovable, even when you are acting out of your flesh, even when i may not feel loving emotions towards you. that’s the world’s definition creeping back in. 

when you marry someone you are choosing them forever. people aren’t perfect. people’s emotions change daily, that’s why you don’t love out your emotions. you love out of you actions. pray for a heart that loves someone out of christ’s exhibit of love, that your mind and your heart will no longer act out of the world’s definition.

 if you’re struggling in a committed relationship with love, pray that God restores you with a sense of urgency to choose that person and passionately demonstrate christ’s love to them. pray that you’re spouse/fiancé’s heart is also changed radically and open to your new found definition of love and that they too have the urgency to love you the way christ loves them. 

A NEW SEASON

I've always been told, "Don't wish away your childhood!" or "Don't try and grow up too fast, adulthood will be here before you know it!". Over these past few months, I've realized that all those people were right.

When you're young, everyone tells you just how challenging life can get when you graduate high school. College payments, jobs, studying, careers, bills, "real life" situations. But they forget to mention the extent of how incredible it is to have the freedom, the responsibilities, the options, the joy that comes with "real life" situations.

But growing up does come with tests. A test can be defined as: an event or situation that reveals the strength of someone by putting them under strain. I don't know about you, but I really like to ace any test I take. Yet somehow, life tests are extremely different compared to your standard academic tests. Academics can be studied and memorized. Life tests just aren't like that. (I'm sure glad it's not, how boring would that be?)

Life tests are going to happen, there is no way around that. Yet, it's not about the test itself, it's about how you handle it, and how you grow through it. When you're feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or just plain exhausted, stop and pray. Know that God has His hand in everything! GOD WILL NEVER GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU CAN'T HANDLE OR AREN'T READY FOR!! Did you read that carefully? Really understand that. Everything you're facing right now, every trial, tribulation, temptation, God knows about it. He's right there waiting for you to call upon Him and ask for help, because you cannot do life on your own. God is all powerful, all knowing, all righteous, all Holy, everything you could possibly need and then some. So why not ask for His help? It would bring Him the upmost joy. Just like a son/daughter asking their parent for help. We are God's children. He doesn't want to see us suffer, He wants to see us overcome and stand stronger on the other side.

Now in my transition to (sorta) adulthood, I've really learned to solely rely on God for the answers. He has the answer to my job. He has the means for my payments. He has the strength I need to carry on. But it starts with simply saying, "God, I'm overwhelmed. I don't know what I'm doing. This is all new. Lord, guide me in the direction you want me to be going. I trust in you! You are so good and you love me beyond words!".

My advice this week is to let go, and let God. To surrender it all to Him. You can't do life on your own. (Nor would you want to) Delight in His grace and unconditional Love. Also, since you're human, if you mess up, God will be there to help you up, dust you off, and love you. Trust in Him, and let Him be your anchor.

If you have any prayer request, I would love to pray for you! Leave it in the comments or email me.

Side Note: Here are some snap shots of a few views I've had this past week. First photo, my geology class. Second photo, my pinterest study break at starbucks. And the third photo, a breakfast date at whataburger with my dad.

MEANING OF LIFE

i've been reading Jesus is by judah smith, right now i'm on chapter eight and it's got my heart passionate about a few things.

what exactly is life all about? are we here to acquire the most money? fame? friends? what is our purpose of living on this planet? i believe that we are here for an eternal purpose, not to fix our eyes and passions on temporary measures. genesis 1:27 says that we were created by God in His own image. that's crazy! we were created by the maker of the universe and He decided to make us in His image? we can't just dismiss that! we are also heirs to the thrown, we are sons and daughters to the King! i don't know about you but that just baffles me and leaves me in awe, my little brain can't quite wrap itself around how magnificent and might God is!

so that being said, why are we here? what are we suppose to be on this planet? matthew 28:16-20 (ESV) says it quite nicely, "18 And Jesus came and said to them, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age." we are here to win souls over for Christ, to add to the number in Heaven, to not let Satan dominate the minds of the children of God, to spread hope, grace and love found only in Him. to give people the good news of the one who loves them so much He died a painful and sacrficial death so that they would be free.

i give my plans, my life, my everything to God's mission for us. to see all His people return back to Him. i have to let people know about this agape love He has for us. it's indescribable!