CANCER SUCKS

my aunt: pam, my uncle: tom, my cousins: matthew & megan

my aunt was recently (roughly a month ago) diagnosed with a very rare form of lung cancer. 

a little back history here, my aunt is one of my most favorite people. she has always been there for me. for most of my life she has lived relatively close to me. she was really my only aunt growing up. (my other one wasn’t around, but that’s another post for another day) she would pick me up from the bus stop and take me to breakfast randomly, she would give me such good advice, and she kept secrets (the kinds that aunts can keep, silly little ones). i love my aunt, so much. also, my aunt is one of three children. robert (my dad) is the middle child, my aunt is the youngest, and then michael, he was the oldest. michael passed away (car accident) when my dad was graduation high school. all that to say, my aunt being diagnosed with this aggressive cancer is just like a scab being ripped off for my dad and my grandparents. 

fast forward to now, yesterday my aunt and uncle got in their car and drove all the way from ft. worth, texas to houston, texas. they had an appointment at md anderson. after a long day there, that night they got a call. the cancer has spread to both lungs, her esophagus, and several lymph nodes. she is staying for 8 weeks to do aggressive chemo and radiation. 

my aunt has twin 10 year olds. they don’t know what’s going on yet. but they will really soon. their world is about to be rocked. hard. please pray that they have such a deep level of peace through this all. and that they know their mommy will be healed from this. either here on earth or if god takes her to heaven early. but she will be healed of this. pray for her husband too. I can’t imagine how hard this is for him to watch his beloved wife be so sick and there being nothing he can do. please pray for peace and understanding for him. 

my thought’s are really jumbled. i’m not sure of how to end this or if it made sense, all i can say is, 

cancer sucks y’all.  

LIFE IS HARD

“...it’s not just a walk in the park.” that statement couldn’t be more true in my season of life right now. 

i don’t want to paint a picture like i have my life under control or that i have it all figured out. that couldn’t be further from the truth. life is hard right now. i’m learning how to live on my own, i’m missing my family, i’m having serious friendship issues, my thoughts aren’t my most favorite place to be, and i’m hardcore stressing about my future. which are all things that i can’t control, thus it is intensely stretching + testing my faith. the plan that i thought was set in place by god, has changed and it’s taking some time for me  to come to terms with that and processing the changes that are about to happen. 

living almost 300 miles away from my parents is becoming increasingly difficult. i’m an extremely independent person, so when i was living at home, i never really thought i needed hugs or cuddles from my family (also i was not the most touchy person, but that has definitely changed). now that i don’t have the opportunity to crawl into my mom’s lap and just cry or fall into my dad’s embrace, i miss it more than i can articulate. the transition to living on your own is hard. the transition to living on your own in a different state is even harder. i know that i’m not in arkansas by accident, i know that this is apart of the calling god has placed on my life. knowing that makes it a little easier to be away from my family because i trust that this hardship isn’t for nothing. 

my best, closest, realest friend is moving across the states to go to a university. to pursue an education in writing and worship ministry. i couldn’t be more proud of her and her obedience to god. she is going into the unknown, but she isn’t letting fear keep her from walking in his will. yet, i’m so incredibly sad that my best chum is not going to be around physically. that’s weighing heavy on my heart. she’s my comfort zone, my security blanket. 

i’ve always struggled with self esteem issues. i’m my harshest critic. there is nothing that you can say to me, that i probably haven’t said to myself. i go through seasons where its a more predominate issue in my life, this is one of those times. usually when it seems like all other things in my life are going astray, my ‘self issues’ rise and intensify. which pretty much sucks on all levels because that’s the last thing i need during that time. i can honestly say i’m working on loving my self exactly the way christ loves me. i fill my mind with scripture reminding me that i’m his beloved daughter and i was divinely made. self esteem, depression, and anxiety will always be something i struggle with and the temptations that come along with it. but god, is restoring my image of myself daily. i will rely on him for support and guidance and comfort. that’s all i can do. 

i’m moving in less than a year to colorado. that’s scary. it feels like i just got settled in from the move to arkansas. i’m scared of the unknown. regarding where i’ll live, my role in the church plant, meeting people, if i’ll be good enough. but my excitement and passion about winning hearts to christ is outweighing that fear. i know without a doubt that god has me in his hand and he is calling me to colorado for a reason.i am not good enough, but through christ’s blood and his righteousness that cover me, he says through me you are good enough and i’ve chosen you to do this. it leaves me in awe when i think about it. i am placing my faith in that plan and that calling. 

i haven’t quite grasped how i’m actually making it through because i know my flesh would rather just throw in the towel. but god keeps picking me up and reassuring me, “child, i have you.” and that’s the promise that is keeping me going. i’m learning how to place all of my faith in jesus and his promise in romans 8:37-39, “no in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. for i am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of god in christ jesus.” and romans 8:26-28, “likewise the spirit helps us in our weakness, for we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the spirit himself intercedes for us and with groanings too deep for words. and he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the spirit, because the spirit interceded for the saints according the will of god. and we know that for those who love god all things work together for good, for those are called according to his purpose.” 

i wanted to share all this with you not so you’ll have pity on me, or feel sorry for me, but to show you that it’s okay to be honest and admit when life is hard. you don’t need to hide behind the image of perfection you’ve made on social media or in person. we all struggle. we all sin. we all go through hard seasons where you feel absolutely exhausted. i’m there now. i don’t want to hide that, i want to admit that and have people encourage me and stand with me in prayer. that’s what you need. people to point you to the word, pray for your heart, pray for anything, to listen to you, to check on you, to just be with you. that’s what being a family in christ means.