PREGNANCY UPDATE | WEEK 18

12 week sonogram | the first one where she actually looks like a little baby and not a bean!

i'm not writing to anyone in particular, i'm more so writing to document my own thoughts and experience! but i would love for you to follow along and watch our little bean grow!

due date: february 7, 2017

gender: a baby girl 

first off, let’s back up. we found out we were pregnant on may 31st, 2017. it was a whirlwind to say the least. although our little girl is very much loved, she was very much a surprise! i’m going to do my best to document how she’s growing here! so, follow along for weekly updates!

how far along: i’m currently 18 weeks exactly!

weight gain: at my 16 week doctor appointment i hadn’t gained any, but i’m pretty sure i’ve gained a few pounds now because i feel like my bump got huge!

what I’m wearing: i can fit into most of my old clothes still, but i do have some maternity leggings and shirts from h&m that my lovely mother got me! most of my normal wardrobe is already flowy/loose so i’m hoping that i don’t have to buy too much!

sleep: not great…lots of tossing and turning. getting up once or twice to go to the bathroom. i’m also extremely paranoid of sleeping on my back.

recent highs: i’m REALLY looking forward to our anatomy scan in 2 weeks! i haven’t seen baby girl since 12 weeks so i’m excited to see how much she’s grown!

recent lows: at the end of week 16 i had fallen at work and ended up tearing a small rip in baby’s sac and was leaking amniotic fluid. so my doctor sent me to labor and delivery to be checked. praise the lord they even saw me (they normally don’t take anyone under 20 weeks but the nurse heard my story and decided to see me) baby’s heart beat was so strong and her movements were so strong, the nurse even told me i might be further along than originally thought. eek!

baby movement: i felt my first flutter at 15 weeks in mexico, and since then she’s been wild! she loves hearing molly bark. and when i drink my morning coffee! 

food cravings: STUFFING. i can’t wait for thanksgiving. dr. pepper is also up on the list. strawberries, bananas, and chickfila. 

bump progress: growing. growing. growing. i have some old stretch marks from fluctuating weight during sports, but no new ones! ptl!!!! also, round ligament pain made it’s way into my life this week. 

labor signs: none

overall mood: i’m a happy lady. and sleepy!

looking forward to: meeting my little girl! and getting through the birth process if i’m being honest. scary. 

18 weeks!!!

15 weeks in mexico!

15 weeks in mexico!

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS

when life gets hard, as humans we naturally focus on the sufferings in front of us. i am so guilty of this. but, i want to defy the norms in life. currently, life is challenging. what better way to overcome than to count your blessings? (pst, it’s really hard to have a sour attitude when your naming the good, life-giving things in life.)

— i am alive. 

— i live in the mountains.

— i don’t have texas heat scortching my skin (hallelujah, praise the lamb)

— i am surrounded by genuine people

— i am a part of a really cool adventure

— i have the ability to draw, write, and think

— i have a place to live + a means of transportation

— i have a family who loves me and believes in me

— i have friends friends supporting me from states, even countries, away.

count your blessings, friend. life is too short not to. find the good in the bad. i promise it's there.  

SERVING GOD IS HARD

s e r v i n g  G o d  i s  h a r d.

— yes it is, when you try to do it without Him.

::

the past few weeks have been unbelievably emotionally difficult. i would be lying and sugar coating it if i said that the move to colorado has been pure bliss. truthfully it hasn’t. it has been the hardest thing i have done thus far. i know, i know, you’re probably thinking, "that is a bit dramatic madi. you need to lay off the pretty little liars." but it’s the truth. the devil has gone from jack johnson to full blown august burns red on me. SCREAMING lies in my ears. lies of inadequacy, fear, loneliness, regret, unworthiness, and self deprecation. and i listened to + believed him. *here’s where i’d personally like to tell satan to go to hell*

confession time — i have been wallowing in self pity ever since i moved to colorado. wondering “why jesus did this to me” or “why he took me away from my ‘comfortable’ life in fayetteville”. (hey madi, get over yourself.) jesus didn’t do anything to me. he didn’t force me to move from fayetteville. he didn’t pick me up by the overalls and place me in colorado springs. BUT he did call me to a higher purpose other than just living life. and that happened to include absolutely stripping me away from all things comfortable. 

i am (stubborn-ly) learning that when jesus calls you to something, he doesn’t promise it to be easy. he actually promises the opposite of that, ….yaaaaaaay. but, he promises to be there with you, literally every second of the way. he. will. not. leave. you. not even for a coffee break. crazy, i know. i still can’t believe it (!!!) 

::

i was flipping through my bible yesterday in hopes something would jump out at me when i stopped at romans (basically one big highlighter mark) chapter 5 and saw the title was, peace with God through faith. “huh” is what i thought to myself. followed by “you’ve got a sense of humor god. alright, i’ll keep reading. but only because you’re funny.” here’s what i read:

“₁therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. ₂through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God..."

now here’s the part that hit me…..

“…₃not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, ₄and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ₅and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” 

“damn.” — that was the literal verbiage that came out of my mouth when i read that. (just trying to be transparent. honesty is key y’all, don’t judge) the rest of the chapter is pure gold too. don’t read it unless you want your mind blown. 

::

so here i am. stuck on that fact that i am suffering. stuck on the thought that life isn’t fun. or that this isn’t what i signed up for. NEWS FLASH MADI — you only signed up for one thing. to actively pursue jesus. to follow him to the best of your human abilities. and to accept his love and grace. when you choose to throw caution to the wind and live a life of reckless abandon with jesus, you aren’t the planner anymore. you don’t get to pick and choose what you will do and won’t do for jesus. but when you hand over that control. that's when life makes a little more sense. when you say, "jesus, i want to serve you. so i'm going to stop trying to figure everything out. it's not easy to give up control, but you didn't call me to an easy life."

life is still hard. reading that passage didn’t make my problems go away. but it did give me hope. because these present sufferings produce endurance, character, and ultimately hope. i need to cling to the hope i have in jesus christ. he’s in the middle of my suffering. he’s still very present and very much guiding me every step of the way (even when i have my heels dug in the ground). i’m thankful to serve a God who loves and pursues me even when i don’t want him to. that’s the real deal love you guys. that’s a God worth serving. 

HEADED WEST

hello friends! this past year has been a wild ride of praying and seeking God's will and purpose for my life. boy have my plans changed. 

as many of you know, I moved to fayetteville, arkansas about a year ago in preparation to move to colorado springs to plant a church. why wouldn’t we just go straight to colorado, you ask? great question. steve farris, the lead pastor of our church, and brandon stokes, the associate pastor of our church both did a year residency in the cross church school of ministry in springdale, arkansas as a year of preparation and growth before moving to colorado. during this time, I decided to move out to arkansas as well. I ended up getting a job as a web associate, working in the communications team at cross church. This is where the temptation to stay in this comfortable bubble began. I was making friends, I had a steady job, I felt safe in fayetteville. I began to pray, “God, I’m not sure if you want me in colorado. surely not, you gave me a kickbutt job here. I’m a single person, I can’t afford to live in colorado by myself. I’ll just stay in arkansas.” my prayers were very one sided. I took it upon myself to make plans to stay in fayetteville, I moved into a house, I took on more responsibilities at work. I was staying. I WAS staying. but God just wouldn’t let me get out of His calling for my life that easy. I began feeling a void. something was missing. I knew in the deepest part of me, that by staying in my comfort zone, I wasn’t following the call God has placed on my life. to tell lost and hurting people about the life-changing love of Jesus Christ. 

about a month ago Jesus re-wrecked my world. He just wouldn’t stop bugging me. and I am so thankful that I serve a God that doesn’t give up on me, even when I’m being so stubborn. I decided that I was done running from God. I was done trying to slip through the grip colorado had on my heart. It’s now June 1st. I move in one month. I realize this is absolutely absurd. but I serve a radical God. I’m done being bound by the chains of fear and uncertainty. It is against every fiber of my being to make a decision like this without having the financial means beforehand, but I am learning each day that God does not operate like us humans because, well He is GOD. when we seek out His will for our lives, He blesses that!

with all of this said, if you find it with in your means and feel led to contribute to my financial needs, you can do so HERE, it would be so greatly appreciated. before anything else though, please take a few minutes in your prayer time to lift up the entire city of colorado springs and our core church planting team. I am a firm believer in the power of prayer!

thank you for taking the time to hear my heart. I am so excited for what God has in store for this next season of my life!

again, if you would like to donate, you can do so HERE. 

two weeks post surgery

said a sad little goodbye to my first ever abode. (the apartment over the garage) this family was such a blessing to me. they helped make the transition into "the real world" less scary! I am so grateful for the time spent here, the memories made, and the lessons learned. but cheers to new seasons, with new people, and a new house. I'm looking forward to the memories to be made as well as the lessons to be learned. life is good y'all, jesus is also good. he knows where I need to be and when I need to be there. 

#noreallycancerSUCKS

around august of 2014 one of my most favorite people was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of stage 4 lung cancer. my aunt pam. 

since then she has undergone many chemo treatments. she’s had many good days, full of joy and clarity, even days where she goes to work and acts like all is good and right in the world. (she’s so brave and strong) she’s also had many bad days, full of questions, tears, and her clinging to the hope of jesus. my uncle and cousins have been such amazing cheerleaders in this fight. they walk with her and love her even when she’s at her weakest. my dad is standing strong, reminding me, my aunt, and the rest of my family that there is NO POINT in sulking in this, we need to cherish each day that all of us have. my grandparents are so beautifully holding on the fact that god is good through ALL circumstances. a little back history here: my dad is a middle child. aunt pam is his little sister. michael was his older brother. when my dad was around 18-19 years old, his brother was killed in a car accident. as you can imagine, my grandparents and my dad are really taking this hard, despite their incredible strength. another child/sibling staring death right in the face. i can’t image what they are going through, just being honest and flushing out my thoughts here. 

in my 19, almost 20 years of life, i’ve never had to deal with someone so incredibly close to me look at death and fight it. never in my life have i ever been so tested in my faith in john 16:33 “these things I have spoken to you, so that in me you may have peace. in the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” not only remembering, but actively believing that even through this season of doubt and fear and anger, god is still good and that he has overcome everything. i’m not perfect, my flesh wants to be so furious that god will let this happen, but the holy spirit whispers to me, “i love you, i love your aunt, i’ve already overcome. don’t you worry child, i have a perfect, and holy plan.” then i feel like jesus kisses me on the forehead the way my dad does to comfort me, just to completely assure me that my abba father has me. 

friends, family, random internet strangers, please pray for my aunt. i believe that god can completely heal her from all cancer if it’s in his will. but if it’s not, her children and husband are going to be completely heartbroken (as are the rest of the family, but I mean, that’s her ride or dies). pray for understanding and a peace for them, especially her children, they don’t quite understand everything that’s going on. 

updates to come, in the meanwhile, lots of prayer and hashtags. 

#noreallycancerSUCKS

I AM A CHILD OF GOD

truth be told by tossing copper

“there’s nothing good within me

if i’m honest

and if i’m honest, there are times

i will try

to dress up all my darkness

and make it seem like it was light

all along

but it’s a lie

if truth be told, i’m nothing

on my own

the only thing i know for sure

is that i don’t know a thing

to be sure

if you only knew 

what i’ve been prone to do 

you’d run far and fast away

from me, oh God,

hear my plea

cause all i see 

is this darkness that is buried

within me"

wasn’t that super uplifting? (i know you’re probably thinking, “yeah right madi, that sucked and was super depressing!”)

i don’t think i’d classify it as uplifting necessarily, but i’d go with freeing.

so often we try and act like we aren’t made up of darkness, we keep it hidden by this veil that we use to mask our sinful nature to the rest of the humans who also have a sinful nature that they are masking with the same veil. now, i understand the compulsive need to have an outward apperence of, “it’s all good. i’m all good. nothing to see here folks. there’s no veil here. i’m not struggling.” i get that. i fall into that trap daily. i don’t really care to have all my junk in plain view for anyone and everyone to see. BUT jesus, calls us to release the grip on the veil. despite our scars, addictions, lack of faith, or our raging anger during 5 o’clock traffic. no matter how far you’re falling, his love will catch you. he wants you despite of everything behind your veil. i’m constantly astounded by the power and intimacy of his mercy. 

drop your veil. air out your struggles. chances are the people that surround you are dying to drop their veil too. we are sons and daughters of christ. we are a family. we are called to love each other like christ. put your fears to rest, you are a child of God, you are no longer a slave to fear. you are fighting from victory, not for it. you’ve already won through christ. you are known and held by our father. how dang freeing is that. 

throw away that veil. shred it. bury it. live in the light my friend. there’s not a more beautiful place to be. 

i love you and believe in you.