s e r v i n g G o d i s h a r d.
— yes it is, when you try to do it without Him.
::
the past few weeks have been unbelievably emotionally difficult. i would be lying and sugar coating it if i said that the move to colorado has been pure bliss. truthfully it hasn’t. it has been the hardest thing i have done thus far. i know, i know, you’re probably thinking, "that is a bit dramatic madi. you need to lay off the pretty little liars." but it’s the truth. the devil has gone from jack johnson to full blown august burns red on me. SCREAMING lies in my ears. lies of inadequacy, fear, loneliness, regret, unworthiness, and self deprecation. and i listened to + believed him. *here’s where i’d personally like to tell satan to go to hell*
confession time — i have been wallowing in self pity ever since i moved to colorado. wondering “why jesus did this to me” or “why he took me away from my ‘comfortable’ life in fayetteville”. (hey madi, get over yourself.) jesus didn’t do anything to me. he didn’t force me to move from fayetteville. he didn’t pick me up by the overalls and place me in colorado springs. BUT he did call me to a higher purpose other than just living life. and that happened to include absolutely stripping me away from all things comfortable.
i am (stubborn-ly) learning that when jesus calls you to something, he doesn’t promise it to be easy. he actually promises the opposite of that, ….yaaaaaaay. but, he promises to be there with you, literally every second of the way. he. will. not. leave. you. not even for a coffee break. crazy, i know. i still can’t believe it (!!!)
::
i was flipping through my bible yesterday in hopes something would jump out at me when i stopped at romans (basically one big highlighter mark) chapter 5 and saw the title was, peace with God through faith. “huh” is what i thought to myself. followed by “you’ve got a sense of humor god. alright, i’ll keep reading. but only because you’re funny.” here’s what i read:
“1therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God..."
now here’s the part that hit me…..
“…3not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
“damn.” — that was the literal verbiage that came out of my mouth when i read that. (just trying to be transparent. honesty is key y’all, don’t judge) the rest of the chapter is pure gold too. don’t read it unless you want your mind blown.
::
so here i am. stuck on that fact that i am suffering. stuck on the thought that life isn’t fun. or that this isn’t what i signed up for. NEWS FLASH MADI — you only signed up for one thing. to actively pursue jesus. to follow him to the best of your human abilities. and to accept his love and grace. when you choose to throw caution to the wind and live a life of reckless abandon with jesus, you aren’t the planner anymore. you don’t get to pick and choose what you will do and won’t do for jesus. but when you hand over that control. that's when life makes a little more sense. when you say, "jesus, i want to serve you. so i'm going to stop trying to figure everything out. it's not easy to give up control, but you didn't call me to an easy life."
life is still hard. reading that passage didn’t make my problems go away. but it did give me hope. because these present sufferings produce endurance, character, and ultimately hope. i need to cling to the hope i have in jesus christ. he’s in the middle of my suffering. he’s still very present and very much guiding me every step of the way (even when i have my heels dug in the ground). i’m thankful to serve a God who loves and pursues me even when i don’t want him to. that’s the real deal love you guys. that’s a God worth serving.
No comments :
Post a Comment