THINGS I'VE LEARNED SINCE MOVING OUT PT. 2

choosing your living situation is important.  

tithing is vital. 

alone time is okay, carve it out each week. 

buy fresh flowers. 

don’t buy more food than you need for the week. 

it’s okay to ask for help. 

life is hard, and by that i mean nothing goes as planned.

find a job that you enjoy, if you don’t it will destroy your spirit.

go ahead, splurge on that candle. 

if you think a spontaneous trip to the tattoo parlor will make you feel better, do it. 

if you get behind on laundry, your life is pretty much over. 

forgive. over and over and over and over. 

stay out late, you WILL regret the nights you don’t. 

don’t stay out so late that you’re useless for work the next morning though. 

invest with your friends, one on one. 

cook often. 

work is important, but it’s not the most important. 

i can’t stress the budget enough, you’ll likely dig yourself in a financial pit without one. 

if you want that third tattoo, GO. FOR. IT. 

enjoy every moment that is put in front of you. 

read books. if you like dragons, read about that. if you like kinfolk, read until your heart’s content. just read. 

going back to school little by little is a victory, not a sign of weakness.

COLORADO AND HALLOWEEN

y'all, so much life change has been happening as of recent. i just haven't gotten around to being able to actually post something. most of what i've been writing lately are just thoughts that have been started, i can't quite finish anything. i usually open my journal or evernote (depending on fast my thoughts are going), then just sit and think, "madi, you've got to write something. anything. surely you can do that. just start typing. people are depending on you to write." then i come back to reality and realize that, a) you can't just force a thought to happen, and it's okay that sometimes your thoughts go to fast for your hands to write down and then the moment passes. and b) no one, i repeat, no one is relying on me to write a blog. i'm not even certain if anyone reads these. (if you're reading this, you're a doll.)

anywho, this past month or so has been challenging, trying, exhausting, and so rewarding. i'm learning how to love people through Jesus and not through myself. i'm learning what it means to live like the early church. i'm learning how to open my heart and love like jesus, towards everyone. not just christians. but those lost, broke, hurting, sinners (just an fyi, we are all sinners, but most of the time us bound by religion forget that), the homeless, the ones just barely making it, the rich, the single, the married, the orphans, the widows, the strippers, the business men. EVERYONE MEANS EVERYONE. i'm the first to admit that i am so bad about doing that, but lucky for us, God has not called us to be perfect, but to continuously draw near to him. so that's what i'm going to continue to do, even though i suck at it. hallelujah that even in my suckiness (yep, that's a word) God still pours out unconditional love and undeserved grace on me. what a good, good Father.

here's a recap of this past month, october 2014, you'll always be remembered. i went on my first trip to colorado (i'll be moving there in the summer of 2015 and i couldn't be more excited). this halloween was one for the books, i had the privilege of spending it with my closest friends all dressed up and scared out of my mind at a haunted house.

INK'D AGAIN

"then peter came up and said to him, "lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and i forgive him? as many as seven times?" jesus said to him, "i do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven times." matthew 18:21-22

ink'd yet again. 

roughly 10.751 seconds after i got my first tattoo, i had the urge to get more. so, there i was, on a saturday, some two and half weeks ago, with the urge still strong, and an adventurous spirit, sitting at the tattoo parlor yet again. i had been at the market that morning with some friends when i brought up the idea of getting inked that day (i'm that friend). surprisingly they all played around with the idea while we walked around the square, sipped our coffee, and tried not to adopt a puppy (well, the puppy part was just me, it's a real struggle guys). about our second lap around the market, i stopped and just had to make sure they really knew i was completely down to go get a new tattoo. one of my friends, was on board, the others were there to support us and cheer us on. we both went, got cash out, and walked into that tattoo parlor (knight time in fayetteville) absolutely stoked and prepared to get poked. we wanted to get 'seventy times seven' on us, in different ways of course, mine in roman numerals, and her's in my handwriting. since we went to the same place as i went last time, i has already started to build a relationship with buzz, the coolest tattooist around. pause, buzz (justin), is twenty five, completely covered in tattoos (even some on his head and face, eyelids too!), he's been shot a couple times, stabbed, in jail, he's tattooed a horse to help save it's life, he doesn't like the traditional church and how they don't appear to use all their money to help others, he's open to the idea of jesus and who he is. the previous tattoo i got to talk with him about   the church i'm going to plant in colorado, how it's about people. we're all flawed, but jesus came to give us hope and cover us in grace. okay, time in. so we walk in, he remembers me as "that girl who's churching it up in colorado", i introduce my friend and tell her she's helping plant the church too. we small talk a bit, learn more about him. talked to the guy in the front too, (he's been backpacking in europe but got kicked out because his visa expired.) i decided not to mention anything about "church" unless buzz asked. we keep chatting, laughing, investing. my tattoo is complete (praise, because this one hurt), i get up to leave and i say that i will more than likely be back soon, and buzz's response was, "hey, please do. don't forget to come back before you move to colorado, i really do want some information about the church you're planting". i responded with a big smile and an "of course buzz!" then walked out grinning from ear to ear. 

this is ministry. i'm not saying the whole tattoo thing is, but ministry is all about building relationships with people. all kinds of people. we can't expect lost and hurting folks to just waltz into church, we have to meet them where they are. i just happened to want a tattoo, and it was a perfect opportunity for me to talk about jesus soley based on what i was getting inked (hallelujah and LXX•VII). constantly have your eyes open to how you can be on mission to share what jesus has done in your life, and how freakin' good he is. let your actions and your words express your faith. 

as for the tattoo itself, it's something god is for real teaching me right now. i thought i knew what it meant to forgive. i was wrong. i remember asking god a few months ago to show me there areas i was lacking and to reteach me those things i had fallen comfortable with. folks, if you ask, you shall receive. it was difficult. i wasn't actually expecting him to show me all those flaws and habitual actions. geez, that was a little much. yet i'm incredibly thankful he did. i've never been stretched so much in my life. i've never been given more opportunities to forgive. to cover someone in love and grace, not based off my own strength, but the strength i draw from god. it's been an extremely trying season of life, but the most rewarding one by far. i'm thankful for that.  

CANCER SUCKS

my aunt: pam, my uncle: tom, my cousins: matthew & megan

my aunt was recently (roughly a month ago) diagnosed with a very rare form of lung cancer. 

a little back history here, my aunt is one of my most favorite people. she has always been there for me. for most of my life she has lived relatively close to me. she was really my only aunt growing up. (my other one wasn’t around, but that’s another post for another day) she would pick me up from the bus stop and take me to breakfast randomly, she would give me such good advice, and she kept secrets (the kinds that aunts can keep, silly little ones). i love my aunt, so much. also, my aunt is one of three children. robert (my dad) is the middle child, my aunt is the youngest, and then michael, he was the oldest. michael passed away (car accident) when my dad was graduation high school. all that to say, my aunt being diagnosed with this aggressive cancer is just like a scab being ripped off for my dad and my grandparents. 

fast forward to now, yesterday my aunt and uncle got in their car and drove all the way from ft. worth, texas to houston, texas. they had an appointment at md anderson. after a long day there, that night they got a call. the cancer has spread to both lungs, her esophagus, and several lymph nodes. she is staying for 8 weeks to do aggressive chemo and radiation. 

my aunt has twin 10 year olds. they don’t know what’s going on yet. but they will really soon. their world is about to be rocked. hard. please pray that they have such a deep level of peace through this all. and that they know their mommy will be healed from this. either here on earth or if god takes her to heaven early. but she will be healed of this. pray for her husband too. I can’t imagine how hard this is for him to watch his beloved wife be so sick and there being nothing he can do. please pray for peace and understanding for him. 

my thought’s are really jumbled. i’m not sure of how to end this or if it made sense, all i can say is, 

cancer sucks y’all.  

AGAPE

“above all keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 peter 4:8

the word earnestly in this verse can be interchanged with ‘intently’ or ‘fervently’, which means eagerly and passionately. we are suppose to love others in this very way. 

a clean slate. 

we all could use a clean slate, a do over, all of our spots washed away. good news, jesus did that for us, on the cross. he died for us to be made clean, a new creation. that is the best news i’ve ever believed to be true, i want everyone to know what jesus has done for us. part of me wanting every single person to know this good news, is to live a live full of actions that are christ centered, and pleasing to him. which is hard. i’m learning. i’m not the best, but i’m learning. i know that god has called us to love others just as he loves us. unconditionally, undeservedly, and never ending. 

this kind of love is based on actions, not words. agape love is selfless love. what i’ve come to learn lately is that you have to pour out grace on people and forgive in order to truly love selflessly. not everyone will accept it, that’s not the point. we must learn to humble ourselves, set our pride aside, and wipe the slate clean with people that we have ill feelings towards. that means, forgive them whole heartedly, for everything they have ever done to wrong you. forgive them for the past, and forgive them as you move forward in the future. wiping the slate clean means that you no longer bring up that thing they did 2 months ago to make you mad, or that one time they left you out last summer, the slate is clean. pure. white. 

to walk in christ’s foot steps, in my humble opinion, is to love people the way he loves us. this means, share the good news with them, love them through the muck of life, forgive them and continuously wipe the slate clean, and encourage them, build them up. 

it’s definitely the hardest lesson that i’m still continuing to learn. 

DEVIL'S DEN

⟼the drive up the the campsite, with low clouds. 

⟼3/5ths of the hammocks. 

⟼afternoon rain shower. 

⟼me standing on the edge of yellow rock realizing how tiny i am compared to this world. 

⟼a surprise ending to the trip, a treacherous downpour. 

this past week i went camping with the colorado family at devil's den in arkansas, 

it was the perfect week for relaxing, eating, and fellowshipping. i took countless naps 

in my eno, read my favorite book over again (the catcher in the rye), and had some 

pretty amazing heart talks with my favorite people. 

while standing on the edge of yellow rock, i was reminded of something important. 

i was reminded that my life is but a spec in time. i'm here only for a smidgen. i need to 

use this precious time to further the kingdom and to demonstrate christ's love. to show, 

not just tell. our lives are precious, our lives are short. we need to live each second with

purpose. don't take you spec in time for granted, you're important. your life in special. 

INK'D

august 1st. 

i got my very first tattoo. 

now i'm all for meaningful tattoos, and i'm also a fan of the ones you get just because they look cool, 

but, this one, this one means so much to me. 

the word and the placement.

hallelujah can be defined as: god be praised (uttered in worship or as an expression of rejoicing),

i chose to place the word 'hallelujah' on my left forearm just above 37 scars. 

reminding me daily to rejoice in being free from the bondage of self harm. 

this was not my doing, but god's. to him be the highest praise from my lips. 

this is the start to a beautiful collection of ink. 

i hope to have a half sleeve as soon as possible, full of meaningful ink and ink that just looks cool. 

but for now, i'm delighting in my simple, yet profound first tattoo. 

hallelujah. 

THE FOLKS CAME TO VISIT

my dearest family came to visit me in lil ole arkansas this weekend

here are a few photos from our journey to crystal bridges art museum: 

⟼the outside of the museum (freakin' gorgeous) 

⟼one of the hallways in between exhibits 

⟼my dad being a live art piece 

⟼me taking a turn 

⟼ally, chloe (my sister), and myself acting goofy 

⟼my lovely folks whom i love dearly

beyond thankful that my family drove from texas to visit 

BONFIRE

bonfire at my friends house, what a great night

i haven't forgotten about blogging, just the opposite has happened really. each day i don't blog it's usually because i'm busy working OR it's because my mind is racing through it's dreams way to fast and my hands can't type out the words fast enough. the second is most common. i'm working hard on some blog posts and a little poetry mixed in. life will slow down a bit soon and i'll get back to posting on a routined basis.  

SUN DAPPLED

fifty miles, that’s all it took for a moment to form. 

last night i got to shoot vbx at our campus in neosho, missouri (about 50 miles from our springdale, arkansas campus). i set out on the road at about 4:45 to make sure i’d be there by 6:15. as i began to drove up highway 49, i put my headphones in and put set a fire by will reagan on repeat. the drive there was good, i was busy watching the gps trying to figure out how to get there. now the drive back, that's when it became a magical.

it was roughly 70 degrees, dusk, my windows were down and the perfect playlist coming through my headphones. on the drive back i knew where i was going, i didn’t need to constantly look at my phone for directions, thus freeing up my attention to look at the road first and foremost, but the beauty that was lining the road as well. i had never seen this part of arkansas/missouri before, and i was left in awe. in fact, it was so beautiful to me, that i pulled over, turned my hazards on, and broke out the camera. i didn’t want to forget this moment, i didn’t want to forget how i felt. my thoughts had been put on pause, and i was present. i wasn’t in the past, nor future, but fully immersed in that moment. 

this may not mean much to a lot of folks, but i live for these moments. so i thought i’d share it with you. for you to enjoy, and for you to be able to enjoy these moments when they happen to you.   

RAINY DAYS

picture this: a quaint cabin nestled into the thick of the forest. the living room has the couch you found on the side of the road back in college, a large window right in the center of the outside wall, a record player spinning your favorite album, and a coffee table to rest your feet on. you’re sitting on the couch bundled up in your favorite pair of pajama pants, sweatshirt, cozy socks, and your favorite blanket. next to you on the table is a fresh cup of coffee, a candle that smells like memories, and a book. any book, but make sure it’s one that you enjoy. as you open your book and begin, you notice that the light is getting dimmer, clouds begin to cover the sun. you continue reading. soon after, the sound of rain begins to lightly tap the window slowly transforming into the perfect rain storm. the aroma of coffee, candles, and rain, the light pouring into your humble abode, the music beautifully colliding with the aroma. all creating a perfect moment. 

i’ve always been a fan of rain. i thoroughly enjoy the way it makes me feel. cozy. for me, rain brings moments. i live for the moments in life where the temperature is right, the elements match, the right song is playing and you feel. you feel everything. good or bad. rain is made to create beautiful moments.

it’s raining here in arkansas, more of a drizzle really, rain nonetheless. i’m working today, so i don’t have the luxury of sitting at home on my couch and snuggling up. quickly, i opened the blinds in my office, switched the lights of, turned a lamp on and sat. it put me in the mood to write, to dream, to wander. so here i am, at my ‘desk’, next to the window, local natives blaring through my headphones, writing.  

LIFE IS HARD

“...it’s not just a walk in the park.” that statement couldn’t be more true in my season of life right now. 

i don’t want to paint a picture like i have my life under control or that i have it all figured out. that couldn’t be further from the truth. life is hard right now. i’m learning how to live on my own, i’m missing my family, i’m having serious friendship issues, my thoughts aren’t my most favorite place to be, and i’m hardcore stressing about my future. which are all things that i can’t control, thus it is intensely stretching + testing my faith. the plan that i thought was set in place by god, has changed and it’s taking some time for me  to come to terms with that and processing the changes that are about to happen. 

living almost 300 miles away from my parents is becoming increasingly difficult. i’m an extremely independent person, so when i was living at home, i never really thought i needed hugs or cuddles from my family (also i was not the most touchy person, but that has definitely changed). now that i don’t have the opportunity to crawl into my mom’s lap and just cry or fall into my dad’s embrace, i miss it more than i can articulate. the transition to living on your own is hard. the transition to living on your own in a different state is even harder. i know that i’m not in arkansas by accident, i know that this is apart of the calling god has placed on my life. knowing that makes it a little easier to be away from my family because i trust that this hardship isn’t for nothing. 

my best, closest, realest friend is moving across the states to go to a university. to pursue an education in writing and worship ministry. i couldn’t be more proud of her and her obedience to god. she is going into the unknown, but she isn’t letting fear keep her from walking in his will. yet, i’m so incredibly sad that my best chum is not going to be around physically. that’s weighing heavy on my heart. she’s my comfort zone, my security blanket. 

i’ve always struggled with self esteem issues. i’m my harshest critic. there is nothing that you can say to me, that i probably haven’t said to myself. i go through seasons where its a more predominate issue in my life, this is one of those times. usually when it seems like all other things in my life are going astray, my ‘self issues’ rise and intensify. which pretty much sucks on all levels because that’s the last thing i need during that time. i can honestly say i’m working on loving my self exactly the way christ loves me. i fill my mind with scripture reminding me that i’m his beloved daughter and i was divinely made. self esteem, depression, and anxiety will always be something i struggle with and the temptations that come along with it. but god, is restoring my image of myself daily. i will rely on him for support and guidance and comfort. that’s all i can do. 

i’m moving in less than a year to colorado. that’s scary. it feels like i just got settled in from the move to arkansas. i’m scared of the unknown. regarding where i’ll live, my role in the church plant, meeting people, if i’ll be good enough. but my excitement and passion about winning hearts to christ is outweighing that fear. i know without a doubt that god has me in his hand and he is calling me to colorado for a reason.i am not good enough, but through christ’s blood and his righteousness that cover me, he says through me you are good enough and i’ve chosen you to do this. it leaves me in awe when i think about it. i am placing my faith in that plan and that calling. 

i haven’t quite grasped how i’m actually making it through because i know my flesh would rather just throw in the towel. but god keeps picking me up and reassuring me, “child, i have you.” and that’s the promise that is keeping me going. i’m learning how to place all of my faith in jesus and his promise in romans 8:37-39, “no in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. for i am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of god in christ jesus.” and romans 8:26-28, “likewise the spirit helps us in our weakness, for we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the spirit himself intercedes for us and with groanings too deep for words. and he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the spirit, because the spirit interceded for the saints according the will of god. and we know that for those who love god all things work together for good, for those are called according to his purpose.” 

i wanted to share all this with you not so you’ll have pity on me, or feel sorry for me, but to show you that it’s okay to be honest and admit when life is hard. you don’t need to hide behind the image of perfection you’ve made on social media or in person. we all struggle. we all sin. we all go through hard seasons where you feel absolutely exhausted. i’m there now. i don’t want to hide that, i want to admit that and have people encourage me and stand with me in prayer. that’s what you need. people to point you to the word, pray for your heart, pray for anything, to listen to you, to check on you, to just be with you. that’s what being a family in christ means.  

THINGS I'VE LEARNED SINCE MOVING OUT

i rent out the studio apartment above the garage. beautiful home and beautiful family who owns it!

rent is due every month, you have to pay it. 

groceries don’t just reappear.

spring cleaning should happen more than once a year. 

make your bed up each morning it won’t kill you. 

find family around you. 

don’t oversleep. 

don’t stay out all night every night. 

take trips. 

you actually do need an iron. 

invest in movies.

don’t buy cable. 

make a budget and actually stick to it. 

dishwashers are a good thing. 

take time to be alone, time to regroup. 

take time to be with your closest friends. 

take time to breathe. 

you don’t need to buy a latte everyday, your coffee maker will suffice. 

never own more things than can fit in your car. 

go out in nature at least once a week, appreciate it. your office will be there tomorrow. 

eating out all the time is both unhealthy and harsh on your budget. so stop. 

you can never have too much toilet paper or paper towels.  

these are just a few things, i know that i'll continue learning and i'll be sure to share it with you. 

HAMMONTREE'S

friends and food. this summer I am interning at cross church in arkansas in the media department filming and editing videos! lunch is always a big deal here between my fellow coworkers, around eleven o'clock you begin to have people circulating around the offices asking what you're doing for lunch. most of the time my answer is, "nothing, what are we doing?" and then the respond, "hold on, let me keep asking." we are always going to different places, trying different foods. the group is always different and the group is always down for awesome conversations. 

today the group that went was the girl interns: kayleigh, alexandra, melissa, and myself. we set out down the road towards downtown fayetteville, our first thought was to stop at the food truck court. we got there and realized that most of them were closed and it was a bit toasty out to sit down and eat. so we all got back in my car and drove to the heart of downtown and settled on hammontree's. it's a gourmet grilled cheese place that also has amazing sweet potato fries! 

i love the company i'm in this summer and i'm beyond grateful that god has divinely placed these people around me. i'm learning so much from them, they are definitely pouring into my heart wether they realize it or not!  

THE 'L' WORD

source: 31.media.tumblr.com

growing up society has taught us that love is something based out of emotion and actions. often love is based out of lust for a person or strong emotional connections formed from a moment. we are told that when we love someone it comes naturally and that it’s fate. the world says that loving someone is enough and that it’s what binds you to a person. 

i just can’t buy into that definition of love because i see the perfect demonstration of true love everyday by Christ. the world says love first then your actions will follow and you’ll choose that person. God says, I chose you therefore I love you and I will continue to love you. He displays a love that is unconditional, full of grace, full of truth, full of protection. i think that kind of love is hard. but it’s the love that is deeper than lust, it’s deeper than a moment. it’s the kind of love that says I will choose you every day of my life, and since i choose you, i will love you with grace, unconditional love, truth, and protection. i will do my humanly best to walk with you in life even when you’re not lovable, even when you are acting out of your flesh, even when i may not feel loving emotions towards you. that’s the world’s definition creeping back in. 

when you marry someone you are choosing them forever. people aren’t perfect. people’s emotions change daily, that’s why you don’t love out your emotions. you love out of you actions. pray for a heart that loves someone out of christ’s exhibit of love, that your mind and your heart will no longer act out of the world’s definition.

 if you’re struggling in a committed relationship with love, pray that God restores you with a sense of urgency to choose that person and passionately demonstrate christ’s love to them. pray that you’re spouse/fiancé’s heart is also changed radically and open to your new found definition of love and that they too have the urgency to love you the way christ loves them.